|
The Lighter Side
We have added our "Lighter Side" section to share some fun with all of our customers. We hope you get a boost out some of these jokes, stories and tidbits.
Oddspot is a daily feature of the Age newspaper from Melbourne, Australia. As the name implies, the stories feature odd happenings:
****************************************************************************************
Humor of the Week:
Anger Management:
Husband: When I fight with you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
****************************************************************************************
Cowboy Chili
A young cowboy from Prescott, AZ. Walks into the White Cafe in Winslow, AZ. He sits at the counter
and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,
"If You ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the Young wrangler And in his best cowboy manner says,
"Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the Bowl over to His place and starts spooning
it in with Delight. He gets nearly down To the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and He immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I Got, too."
****************************************************************************************
Cat Trouble:
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave
the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We
didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the
bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat
runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't
want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she
explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going
upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as
we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her
with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw
her back into the yard!"
........The cab driver hit a parked car
****************************************************************************************
No Sex since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously!
I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a
private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
(Don't you love military time!)
****************************************************************************************
LIVING WILL INFORMATION
While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife
and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need
for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her
that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.
****************************************************************************************
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and
tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the
bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The
parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even
ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe
I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.I'm sincerely
remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything
I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."John was stunned at the
change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made
such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what
the turkey did?"
****************************************************************************************
'ALL HAIL!" TO THE NEWFOUNDLANDERS
Two business men in Toronto are sitting in their soon to be new store.
As yet, the store isn't ready as only a few shelves are set up. One of
the men says to the other, "I bet any minute now a 'Newfie' is going to
walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling." No
sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Newfoundlander walks up to the window, has a peek and asks, "What're ya
sellin' here, byes?" One of the men (being a smart ass) replies, "Oh!
we're selling assholes here."
Without skipping a beat, the Newfie says, "Well I see you're doin' real
good, you've only got two left!"
****************************************************************************************
The Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 am the next morning, the RCMP and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
****************************************************************************************
Advice from Bill Gates:
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
****************************************************************************************
Did You Know That? Drinking two glasses ofGatoradecan relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."
Colgate
Did you know that Colgate toothpaste
makes an excellent salve for burns.
Altoids
before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strongAltoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu?
Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil.
Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes,
then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
Sore throat?
Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey
and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
Alka-Seltzer
Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer . Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water
and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.
Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections
almost instantly -- even though the product
was never been advertised for this use.
(Note:Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine is not the same..and contains aspirin, which can cause stomach bleeding if you have ulcers.)
Honey
Honeyremedy for skin blemishes...
Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place aBand-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing Works overnight.
Listerine
Listerinetherapy for toenail fungus...
Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking
your toes inListerine mouthwash.
The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
Maybelline
Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop ofMaybellineCrystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
Coca-Cola
Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain.
The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.
Formula409
Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray ofFormula409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.
Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer'sGlue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin The splinter sticks to the dried glue.
Hunt's
Hunt'stomato paste boil cure....cover the boil withHunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.
Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops ofListerine .... a powerful antiseptic.
Heinzvinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.
Kills fleas instantly.
Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.
Rainy day cure for dog odor...
Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal withBounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
Eliminate ear mites...
All it takes is a few drops ofWessoncorn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
Quaker Oatsfor fast pain relief....
It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups ofQuaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
****************************************************************************************
The Teacher, the thief and the lawyer
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?”
“Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.”
“Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”
Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?”
The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through.
Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”
****************************************************************************************
The Pharmacist:
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
****************************************************************************************
Purina Diet:
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time --- but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
****************************************************************************************
Happy Flying
Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," this tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded
(marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
FYI. Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever had a major accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding something with hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
****************************************************************************************
Monks
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R," we missed the "R." His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate."
****************************************************************************************
The Farmer's Pond:
The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
****************************************************************************************
Bear Remover
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
|
